It finally occurred to me fifteen years ago that there was nobody to blame but myself.... I was the common denominator
I was the only one present in EVERY relationship and 'marriage' I'd ever had.
Now I also realize that every partner I had ever had, merely reflected my emotionally impoverished state of mind.
Big highs, and big lows.
So in fact, I had never, ever been married
A real marriage is two people coming together as one committed couple, to agree to do their best to stay together through good and bad. To grow together and make something worthwhile of their lives, then share that commitment with other family, friends, peers, workmates etc.
In hindsight, I had never agreed to that.
Although I had signed a legal, binding document between myself, wife and the government, I had absolutely zero intention to ever honor and carry out my role as protector, provider, husband and father.
I was in 'it' for the good times. And with every bad time, another nail went into the coffin of 'marriage' for me.
A tragic story, I know!!
But a childhood based around loss prepared me well to run away from what I perceived as trouble.
On the positive side though, I look at myself now as starting afresh within my now 8 year relationship with my soul-mate Michelle. With NO failures in past relationships and two marriages.
Only learning experiences.
Every relationship I ever had was perfect, at that time to teach me, and hopefully my past partner, some valuable lesson.
If I had it all over again, sure I'd do it differently. I would not have got into the relationship based on what I know today.
People would not have got hurt, and I would not have had to pick my sorry ass up- suffering guilt for many past years.
Hindsight and wisdom learnt from past events is a wonderful thing, isn't it!!!
Espavo. Sam
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